i slept for 12 hours and now i’m super calm and chilled and everything’s quite nice right now. i had some strawberries and pineapple with yoghurt and now i’m sitting on the couch watching tv.
tomorrow i’m going to cologne yaaaaay :) so today i need to pack my stuff, plan my outfits and everything. whoop whoop :)
going to my last dentist appointment.
the last 3 hours of overall TEN freaking hours, holy shit.
but i’m sure this makes eating impossible for the rest of the day - yay.
horrible day is over yay.
tuesday is waiting.
love you guys <3
why is everything so difficult right now ?!
i already did fasts up to 5 weeks, so it’s just a small one.
i know it’s not good for me, but idc. i really don’t.
it can’t be worse than being depressed all the time or binging and purging. so i’m fasting until next wednesday. i’m starting tomorrow.
only water and diet soda.
i want to be stick stick thin again, i was so happy back then.
this last weekend was just out of control. i went totally back to being the old me which sucks so bad and it also scares me. maybe i’m never able to get my life under control. i went out to go clubbing on friday, saturday and sunday. and every night i was totally wasted ! sunday was the worst. i don’t remember everything and on the way home in the taxi, i puked. how classy. on saturday i just disappeared when i noticed how drunk i really was and i went home without saying ONE word to my friends about it. and i haven’t talked to them since saturday and i’m not planning on, bc i just don’t know how to say sorry for just disappearing. and explaning WHY i did it. this sucksso bad !!!!
So today is tuesday and i NEED to get back on track. first of all with eating. last week i had soooo many positive experiences, but on the weekend i just binged and purged and went crazy. also i need to get back on track with the whole depression thing. TAKING MY MEDS, getting up, getting ready, get some stuff done. i feel so drained and tired and i just want to crawl into my bed and get away from life. i know that this is horrible and wrong and i don’t want this, but deep down i’m so hopeless, at least right now. one hour ago i wanted to bring my empty bottles back to the grocery store and i ended up buying binge food. this morning i had some fruit with yoghurt, which was pretty good. and tonight i’m first having a salad with german ravioli and after that i’m eating a little more and purge this “little more”. i know it’s not right and everything, but baby steps !!! today i’m not emotionally stable enough to continue my normal eating from last week, i just can’t. i don’t have any support and i’m not talking to a lot of people. i feel i’m getting bad again. i started having a lot of thoughts about starving and getting stick thin again and everything. all my hope is gone, my future is black aka non existent. i don’t want this, i’m scared.
how are you, guyssss?
it’s 9.28 am and i’m awake since 7!!! it’s a sunday and i went out last night, so i shouldn’t be awake at SEVEN o’clock.. but whatever :)
i’m bored and i don’t know what to do today.
talk to me !!! :D
bc I LOVE YOU !!! ♥♥♥
Okay actually it’s not that early. (it’s 1.46 pm :D)
but i went to bed last night at 3am, so i thought it was okay to sleep a little longer, so i got up around noon. i took my meds and then i tried to decide what to eat. first i was taking all the fruit out of my fridge to make some fruit salad with yoghurt and maybe some toast. but then i was like noooo, so i boiled some water to make spaghetti with bolognese. but THEN i made the ultimate decision to have a mixed salad with some german ravioli ! i had two pieces of toast with it and it was so yummy :) and i do not have ANY intention of binging or purging, so cool !!!
other plans for today:
- tidying up my apartment
- cleaning my bathroom
- keeping myself busy with my clinic/therapy documents for maybe an hour
actually that was it ! but i also want to leave the house to go for a walk or run some errands (even though i don’t need to), i want some fresh air :)
tonight i’m going out with some friends which is again a huge challenge. one part is on the same night, bc i don’t want to get so super super wasted again that i don’t remember anything on the next day. so every time i start to feel a bit tipsy, i need to stop and have maybe a water. lol i sound like i have a serious alcohol problem :D part 2 of the challenge is about “the next day”, bc when i had sth to drink, i always crave hearty food ! and LOTS of it. so it’s a challenge to get up, shower and get ready and not lounge around in my pjs all day, binging and purging. i don’t want to do that, i’m going to stick to my plan. wish me luck and maybe send me sth motivational, i’d love you if you did that :)
okay, that was it !
hope you have a nice dayyyy, talk to you later. besos xo <3
in the morning (at 9 am) i had a dentist appointment, so i had no breakfast and went to the dentist. i came back at 1 pm and at 2 pm i had one small plate of salad and a normal plate with spaghetti and bolognese and parmesan cheese !!!!!! a NORMAL plate !!!! i didn’t binge, i didn’t binge and purge - NOTHING. i ate it like a normal person !!! amazing !!!!! and i ate slowly and enjoyed it and i didn’t even WANT to binge or purge :)
in the afternoon i went to starbucks and had a frappuccino !
AND in the evening i went to the cinema with a friend and had a small popcorn :) then we went for some drinks, so i had an amaaaaazing night and an awesome day and i’m so so so so proud !!
i know it’s not what a normal person would eat, but for me this was HUGE ! the middle way between starving and binging (and purging) - i did it !
i know it was only ONE day, but still… it’s amazing :)
in such a good mood <3 <3
Btw. Today, on just one day, there were TWO announcements of engagements on my facebook. And everyone is getting pregnant or they already have a child. I feel sliiiightly pressured, i should first start with getting a boyfriend and keeping him for longer than a month -.-
I feel like i’m 14 instead of 23 …
i made a big piece of paper and called it my “get your life together plan”. on it there are things that i have to do every single day to prevent me from staying in bed all day, not showering or washing my hair, binging and purging, not doing anything productive.
it’s super embarrassing to say that, but i have a weird way to think, for example: “why dress nice and wear make-up when it’s just a regular day of the week?”, “why wash your hair, it gets dirty again anyway”, “why make my bed, tonight i’m going in there again anyway”, “why wear make-up when you’re not going out, it’s a waste”, … and so on.
i need, i really NEED to get my life together ! stop with pitying myself and feeling sorry for myself all the time. uuuh i’m so sick, i have an eating disorder, i can’t do anything, it’s my excuse for everything ! NO ! get yourself together and DO something that has a positive effect on your life instead of wasting all those years …
i instantly feel so much better today :)
dentist was okay. he needed almost FOUR hours to repair 1/4 of my mouth. but it didn’t hurt at all, i even slept for 45 minutes bc i was so tired haha.. on thursday i have the next appointment and i also have to get a root canal treatment :/ but in two weeks everything is done and i’m as good as newwww. it almost cost 7000 Euro, which is ridiculous ! but it’s necessary, so i can’t complain.
after the dentist my dad came to pick some things up, we went grocery shopping and talked for a bit which was so nice :) now that i don’t live with him anymore, i rarely see him. so we decided to go to dinner some day next week to spend a little more time together. and we talked about university and everything and he assured me that i can do whatever i want, wherever i want, no matter what it costs - yes ! :)
and nowwww i’m sitting on my couch, watching tv, having some me-time. and i’m getting hungry, which suckssss bc my mouth still hurts :/
besooooos <3 <3